After only two days and a couple of texts, here I am, falling back to the same track of overthinking and tending to turn yet another opportunity into a disaster.
When I started dating at the age of 13, I quickly realized that there is a whole wide world out there, waiting for me to explore it. I dated many men, some more seriously than others, always knowing that there is more to see after one adventure ends. This year, however, when I started a relationship with my friend, something in my brain switched to crazy, paranoid alert mode. Suddenly I was all about moving in together, starting a family, creating a savings account, while calculating how much time we would need to save up for a house in the suburb.
I consider myself an intelligent, educated, successful young woman, yet there is no such thing as too much “Sex and the City” talk with myself every single day. How did this happen to me?
It didn’t take long until that relationship went to hell and I gave my best to move on and find some time for myself for a change. That is, until we started talking again. One long phone call, lots of laughs, while I was rationally thinking how we should keep on being friends cos it’s the best thing to do.
Two days and a few text messages later, I could already hear my brain going “but what are we doing, where is this going” and all that jazz. Seriously, does it ever just shut up?!
Waiting for the noise in my head to stop, I had to ask myself: Is it the urban culture that made us this way? The culture that teaches us that women are supposed to wonder what each sentence means needing to hear certain words at the appropriate time, questioning everything; while men are casual, don’t talk about their feelings and they are fine with not calling for like a week.
Even in same sex relationships, these types of personalities are quite common. Are we overthinkers by nature? And no matter how far feminism took women off the illiterate kitchen floor, why are we still experiencing the same men-driven fears and anxieties? And even more importantly, how do we overcome them?
Truth to be told, I am the kind of person that always believed that with the right guy all this madness will simply end, and I will never have to go through it again; but in reality I must face the possibility that this drama is who I am and that the perfect relationship for me might just be the one where we drive each other crazy.
Maybe I’m not even looking for answers. Maybe I just want to share this knot in my stomach with the internet, hoping that it will somehow magically loose. And maybe all it takes is one deep breath and a reminder how silly and pointless my self-induced anxiety really is.